I have made a living off the spoken and written word. As a social worker, I encouraged my clients to tell their stories, share their feelings and expose their thoughts, in the hope that healing would follow. Many times it did. I would like to take credit for their changes, but more often than not, it was the words that healed and the stories that stayed, while I was rightfully forgotten. As a writer, I now tell my stories in the hope that others will follow suit and share their own tales with family and friends. Most of my stories are funny, and nearly all are at my expense; which is appropriate, considering how often I slip on the proverbial banana peel.

What most don't realize is that my mistakes aren't limited to silly paid-programming-purchases, snapped ankles or shanked golf balls. No, most of my biggest blunders are word-related and inevitably occur at the most inopportune times with those that matter most in my life.

HAIR BRAIN

A month or so ago, one of my friends dyed her hair blonde and asked, "So, what do you think?" Years of marriage should have prepared me for this one, but I was caught off guard.

"I think I like you better as a brunette," I admitted. Then, recognizing my lapse, quickly changed course, "No, actually, I think it looks great, but it's drowned out by your fluorescent orange blouse."

FUNERAL FAUX PAS

I find funerals uncomfortable. I never know what to say to the surviving family members.

About two weeks ago, I attended the funeral of one of my neighbors.

He was a great guy with a wonderful sense of humor. I hope humor is in the blood because when I got to the first family member, she thanked me for attending and added, "It means the world to us."

To which I sensitively responded, "No problem, anytime." Like I was helping her prune a tree or something!

SPA SPUTTER

For weeks, my wife has wanted to visit the spa. I gave her a gift card for Christmas, but she had yet to use it. But that wasn't her only problem. You see, what she really wanted was a massage, but what she thought she needed was a facial. Sadly, the gift card could only cover one or the other. So, like any caring husband, I saw Mother's Day as the perfect opportunity to make sure she got both. I purchased the gift certificate, and in her Mother's Day card wrote the following eloquent message, "Here is a gift certificate for you, because a facial is not enough, you need more."

It seems I am always slipping on that proverbial banana peel, and more often than not, my foot will find my mouth in midair. It is linguistic yoga. Sometimes I am caught, but most times I manage to land gracefully. Thank goodness my family and friends are slow (if you know what I mean). Oops, that didn't sound right, did it? Oh well.