Remember the rules, but don’t mix them up
This Sunday marks a third Father's Day for me. With my vast parenting experience, I am clearly qualified to dispense unsolicited advice on fatherhood. I can also look back over the years and share some highlights and offer enlightenment and guidance for other young fathers.
You're welcome.
When you're a new father, it's more important than ever to remember the primary rules of interaction with women and infants.
Don't get the two rules mixed up. You will be sleep-deprived and your thinking will be blurry, and your situation will be complicated further if one or more of your children are girls, like mine are. So stay sharp.
Let's look at a real-life scenario to illustrate how important it is to maintain the distinction between the two rules. If your wife complains that her feet are hurting, you might think that her shoes are too small or too worn or too uncomfortable. You might suggest buying new shoes.
Oops. You just got the two rules mixed up. If you act on those instincts, the following dialogue will unfold in your peaceful home following your suggestion that your wife buy new shoes.
"Honey, I can't afford new shoes right now, OK?"
"Well, let's go to Payless, then! They have very comfortable shoes for, like, 10 bucks."
"Honey, I don't want to go to Payless."
"That's OK. I'll drive you. I'll wait in the car with the kids. We can go now. They're open till, like, 8 or 9."
"Look, honey, I don't want to go to Payless right now, OK?"
"But your feet will feel much better. Come, let's go!"
"You can't buy shoes like you're buying toothpaste at Safeway! And Payless doesn't have the flats I like! And I don't need new shoes! I just wanted you to offer to do the dishes so I could sit down and rest my feet!"
There might be variations on that last line — "I just wanted (insert issue unrelated to hurting feet here)" — but you'll be in trouble all the same.
On the other hand, if your 1-year-old is crying when you're putting her shoes on, you won't be doing her a favor by sitting down next to her and asking her about her day. You also won't be helping much by finally putting up that shelf above the washer in the laundry room.
No, stay focused and remember the rules. With infants, the problem is always exactly what it seems to be, and it can and should be solved right away. With women, nothing is ever what it seems.
If you give your child a cookie to snack on and she has a hard time eating it because it falls apart and turns to small crumbs in her hands, the problem is best solved by cutting up an apple or giving her something else in solid, bite-size pieces instead.
Later, when you and your wife are snacking on Doritos in front of the television and she says she is thinking about cutting chips out of her diet, you might respond by suggesting all kinds of healthier alternatives. You might go on about fat-free options like carrots and even offer to go buy some for her.
Oops. You got the rules mixed up again. This time, the dialogue in your peaceful home will probably end in tears, no matter how hard you try to convince your wife that she's not fat and no matter how many times you offer to go to Home Depot that weekend and finally get those paint samples for the kitchen.
Yep, now when I'm in my third year as a father, I definitely have this parenting thing down. Going on my fourth year of marriage, though, I can't really say I'm any wiser about women and what's important to them. Or is it my fifth year of marriage? I forget.
