Shortly after declaring Taco Bell "too big to fail," and ordering a stimulus cash infusion of $236 billion to prop up the ailing fast-food chain, President Obama moved on to his next major initiative: reforming the country's bloated and costly hamburger production industry.

"For too long, this country has been at the mercy of unscrupulous, out-of-control hamburger-producing companies that drive up the price of hamburgers to the point that nearly five point three percent of American citizens are unable to afford even basic hamburger services," the president read from five teleprompters strategically placed so that he could say, "For too long, this country has been at the mercy of unscrupulous, out-of-control hamburger-producing companies that drive up the price of hamburgers to the point that nearly five point three percent of American citizens are unable to afford even basic hamburger services" without appearing to be reading from five strategically placed teleprompters.

Obama announced that some really large amount of taxpayer money, so big that the number itself would not even fit on five teleprompters laid end-to-end, would be allocated for the construction and operation of government-run hamburger restaurants, each situated within several feet of every McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's nationwide.

He stressed that the government-owned burger joints would not drive the private burger restaurants out of business, but simply provide people with an alternative to shoddy, over-priced hamburgers.

"These private hamburger outlets claim they are giving consumers a good deal, so they should have nothing to worry about," he read. "If they truly are operating in a transparent, wholesome economical manner, they should welcome the competition. Isn't that what America is all about? Free enterprise and friendly competition?"

Obama read that the new hamburger restaurants, named McObama's, Obama King and Wobama's, will serve hamburgers of equal quality and taste to the commercial brands but the cost will be substantially less. In fact, a typical Big McObama Meal will cost only $1 and come with a Big McObama, jumbo fries, large soft drink and $3 in cash.

Private hamburger industry officials complained that if the government-run hamburger outlets actually pay people to eat their hamburgers, customers will quit patronizing the private commercial hamburger restaurants.

"Not true," Obama read. "We are simply giving the American people a choice. They can choose to avail themselves of traditional private hamburger production facilities or they can utilize the government-owned dining establishments. In a capitalistic model, competition inevitably leads to better and more economical products and services. And we are just providing a competitive alternative to existing hamburger providers."

Obama conceded that lines of people waiting for government hamburgers could be long and waiting times could be as long as two hours.

"But it is patriotic to go through a little discomfort for these kinds of essential hamburger services," he read. "And I am confident that a trip to McObama's, Obama King and Wobama's restaurants will be as enjoyable to the general public as a visit to any Department of Motor Vehicles, Immigration and Naturalization Service office or public restroom."