In the days of Adm. Nelson, countries would issue "letters of marque" to private ship captains that authorized them to attack, burn or take as prizes enemy ships, martial or civilian. In effect they became legal pirates, although they were referred to as "privateers" because, well, it sounded more genteel.

I was thinking of that recently as I drove my daughter to Sand Island to retrieve her car, which had become the prize of modern day privateers: tow truck drivers. Tow truck drivers essentially operate under a letter of marque from the state that allows them to swoop in and tow away a private citizen's vehicle if they determine the car is parked illegally. The car is dragged away to a secret location and held in a barricaded compound until the car's owner coughs up the necessary bounty or ransom. Of course, they don't call it a bounty or ransom. They call it "towing fees, mileage and storage rates" and it's all completely legal.

My daughter's offense, according to the official documentation, was "trespass" although in actuality, during a going-away dinner with a friend, time on her parking meter near Ala Moana Center ran out just before midnight. A prowling privateer happened upon her meter, which had expired only minutes before, and spirited her car away, leaving her to stand alone in the dark wondering where the vehicle had gone. Again, it was a completely legal private property snatch but you have to question the sensibility of leaving a lone, unarmed young lady stranded by herself on a darkened street at midnight. Thankfully, she was able to call a cab on her cellular phone and, a mere $60 later, she was safely home in Kane'ohe.

To retrieve the car we had to go through a process not unlike a spy being lead to a safe house. Various phone calls to the tow truck company led us through the dusty back roads of Sand Island, where we were told to wait by a warehouse for an escort to the secret compound. Twenty minutes later the privateer hove into sight in his rolling siege vessel and led us though a serpentine, convoluted route to the hideout. (Luckily, I left a trail of breadcrumbs so I could find my way out.)

After signing a document absolving the privateer and any co-buccaneers of any future criminal or civil action in connection with the tow job (TRUE!) and paying $160 we were able to retrieve our property.

Now, $160 might seem a tad high of a price to pay for simply missing feeding a parking meter by a couple of minutes but you have to understand the costs of being a modern privateer. It was $90 for the tow, $45 for mileage (six miles at $7.50 a mile) and $25 storage. And you have to pay CASH, baby, because privateers don't take checks or credit cards. (And there isn't an ATM within miles.)

My question is why is it that only two truck companies enjoy this profitable relationship with the government? Why can't the state issue me a letter of marque and let me apprehend jay walkers or people who litter or spray-paint graffiti?

I'd hold them in my garage until they fork over the legal bounty I'd be entitled to.

I might even wear an eye patch, matey.

Read Charles Memminger's blog at http://charleyworld.honadvblogs.com.