The stories of abuse are frightening, but Antonia Alvarez has discovered something worse among the girls she counsels as a teen advocate with the Domestic Violence Action Center.

"They thought it was OK to be hit, yelled at, made fun of, pushed, choked, forced to have sex," she said. "It's terrifying. I think every time I hear it, it is like hearing it for the first time."

The amount of dating violence among teenagers in Hawai'i is significant, local experts believe, even though their evidence is anecdotal. The center's Teen Alert Program estimates that half of all high school seniors know someone who was verbally or physically abused.

Nationally, the Centers for Disease Control says that one in 11 teenagers will have been physically harmed on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend within the last 12 months.

The issue took centerstage in February after teen heartthrob Chris Brown allegedly assaulted his girlfriend Rihanna, sparking dialogue among teens, their parents and advocates.

Teens may not talk about dating violence with their parents, but many are are familiar with it. Whenever the Teen Alert Program visits a local school, young girls come forward, Alvarez said.

"It is hard to say if it is getting worse now or we are getting the word out and people are becoming less afraid of getting help," she said. "Either the stigma is lower or the desperation is higher but I think more and more people are coming out and saying they want to get help and they need support."

Victims, some as young as 15, have described relationships that began with verbal abuse and escalated to acts of violence — some, for example, being choked until they nearly pass out.

The program, which has been around for nine years, has taken its message about healthy relationships and dating violence to public and private high schools and middle schools throughout Hawai'i. It offers online resources on Facebook and MySpace, as well as a slick Web site of its own.

Program coordinators learned early on that teenagers will lean on each other for help before they seek out a parent, so a lot of the message is how to help when that happens.

Among the 5,700 students who heard that message were several hundred peer counselors. The program even took a detour into a slightly older age bracket when it gave a two-day workshop in February for the University of Hawai'i football team.

"Teens are not looking to go to shelters," said Cindy Iannce-Spencer, a community educator at the Domestic Violence Action Center and one of the teen program creators. "Most are looking for someone who has some information that they can talk to when they are in a crisis. They call us. It doesn't mean they necessarily leave the relationship, but they have a safety plan."

Iannce-Spencer calls the problem "an epidemic" of learned behavior that starts in homes where "the father rules with a fist."

"I think it's the way we are defining masculinity to young boys," she said. "Young boys equate that with how you are supposed to be if you are a man."

Stephanie Ragolia, coordinator for the Teen Alert Program, blames society for creating gender roles for boys and girls: Boys are supposed to be tough and girls submissive.

"I think as kids we want to be accepted, so we go back to those roles," she said. "As a guy, we want to be tough and that turns kids toward becoming violent within their relationships."

That skewed impression surfaced during recent school visits by the program. When students discussed the Brown/Rihanna case, some teens suggested that victims are to blame for the way they are treated, Ragolia said.

Children need to be taught early about what they should expect — and how they should behave — while in a relationship, she said.

"We are not telling them to go out and make social changes, but at least if they can change their own relationship, then we can begin to see a decrease in dating violence," she said.

WARNING SIGNS FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE