In the early '90s when many people were losing jobs, some of them didn't want to admit it. And I don't mean that they didn't want to accept that their industry was dying and their job eliminated for good.

I mean they didn't tell anyone they had lost their job — including their own families.

They felt embarrassed. Shame. And a half dozen other understandable emotions. For months, two of my clients who had lost jobs dutifully put on their suits and ties, packed up bulging briefcases and headed out the door the same way they had every morning for the past 15 years.

But instead of heading to the office, they hid out at Dunkin' Donuts or the library. They carried a pocketful of quarters with them to call headhunters and other companies on the nearest pay phone. (This was before most people had cell phones.) Never letting on to what had happened to their jobs, they'd return home to their families at the usual time.

I remember telling both men that they needed to share what had happened with their families and reach out for support. "My wife would understand," one of them told me. "She'd want to know. But I just can't tell her." One man's wife caught on after calling his office and someone told her he didn't work there anymore.

When the couple talked about his job loss, he was relieved. She was supportive.

"Shame is not simply the invention of civilization," says Charles Sykes in his book, "The End of Privacy." "There are indications that it is encoded in our humanity. 'Man,' Nietzsche wrote, 'is the creature who blushes.' Our need to cover and hide ourselves not only defines our sense of self, but creates the boundaries that separate public and private."

The "fine art of keeping up appearances may seem shallow and deceitful, the very embodiment of denial," wrote Benedict Carey in a recent New York Times article. But, she adds, psychologists beg to differ.

Such feelings can, as the article says, sustain good habits and reflect personal pride, which "can be an extremely effective social strategy, especially in uncertain times."

Pride, explains Dr. Jessica Tracy, a psychologist quoted in the article, is a "self-conscious emotion ... the strongest status signal we know of among emotions."

Yes, pride can be an incentive to work hard for something. It begets perseverance, as the article states. But therapists also say that in time, people usually do better when they come clean.

You might think that in today's confess-all world when boundaries between public and private lives have become blurred, that no one would keep such a thing to themselves. But shame, like pride, is a powerful emotion.

It "reminds us that there are parts of our lives that need to be protected and sheltered," Sykes says. "It also reminds us that we need to be able to retreat to a sanctuary, zone of privacy, in order to be able to face the world under some circumstances."

It also reminds me of how many people need to find a safe sanctuary to not only deal with emotions but also the day-to-day issues that can arise with unemployment. There are many resources to help including www.UnemploymentLifeLine.com, a new, online resource for finding assistance in your community and information on everything from dealing with creditors, staying insured and developing a household budget. Like many others before you have found, there is no shame in reaching out for support when you need it.