Around the kids, they're nothing if not supportive. But a growing number of baby boomer parents are freaking out inside.

They don't want to let on to their adult children that they're getting worried, but these parents are sharing their concerns at work, at the gym, at the grocery store or anyplace they can commiserate: Their offspring - post-college degreed and in their mid- to late 20s - still haven't a clue about what to do with their lives.

These young adults aren't slackers; they often have jobs to pay the rent and are seemingly on their own. But one of parents' biggest worries is whether their close relationships with their children may have stifled their self-sufficiency.

"Watching this as a parent, you're concerned that they find their own path," says Richard Hesel, 62, a marketing consultant from Timonium, Md., and the father of two sons in their 20s. "We've gone out of our way to help these kids, but you do wonder: When does it end?"

Social psychologist Jane Adams says it's a long ride through the 20s because these are bright, talented young adults "who seem to be not doing anything with it."

"It's more a fear their kids are never going to be fully independent, emotionally as well as financially," she says.

William Galston, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, had a grant last year to study these young adults, and as the father of a 23-year-old son, he says he identifies with the parents.

He says there's a great amount of "unexpressed worry - unexpressed at least to the children - but parent to parent."

"A lot of parents I know are more worried than they let on that somehow what appears to be drift from the early 20s to the late 20s could turn into a permanent lack of focus," he says.

Galston says many boomers made career and marital commitments "when they were too young and have lived to regret it," so they've been willing to help their kids avoid similar mistakes.

"I think a lot of parents wrestle with very nitty-gritty questions like "Are there some categories of things I should subsidize and things I shouldn't?' It runs up against this vague fear that maybe what you're doing is subsidizing indecision."

Hesel and his wife weathered the twists and turns that their oldest son, Todd, has taken in recent years. In 2000, when he earned a biology degree, he was going to be a doctor, but "about a month or two from starting medical school, I wasn't looking forward to it. I can't say why. It didn't feel right at the time."

Instead, he became a personal trainer at a health club, which gave him time to train for triathlons, an interest that surfaced in college. He qualified to compete at the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii, which he did in 2002 and 2003.

Now 29, Todd Hesel, of Parkville, Md., will graduate from law school at the University of Maryland in May and plans to practice environmental law.

His circuitous route toward a career is in its final months.

Carol Dochen is the mother of a 24-year-old daughter and a 22-year-old son, and she is in the throes of parental angst. "It's this internal struggle," says Dochen, 53, of Austin. "I always want to be there for my kids. And I want them to be independent and stand on their own two feet."

CLOSENESS VS. DEPENDENCE

A December study by researchers at the University of Haifa in Israel may dispel some concern.

Family therapist Irit Yanir surveyed 100 urban, middle-class families with a mother, father and adult child age 23-27 and found close families actually produce more independent children. Contrary to parents' fears, adult children with close parental ties were more financially self-sufficient and more independent in their daily lives; it didn't matter whether they lived with their parents. Young adults with emotionally distant relationships were less independent into their late 20s and tended to make decisions based on wanting to either please or rebel.

"Parents have difficulties understanding the difference between being a support and being supportive," Adams says. "I know at least two sets of parents who call their kids every morning to make sure they get up for work. That's too much. I know daughters who call mothers every day to decide what to wear. That's too much."

Experts say research on the relationship between young adults and their parents is relatively rare. Among those studying this new area is sociologist Barbara Mitchell of Simon Fraser University in British Columbia. In-depth interviews with 490 baby boomer parents about their children ages 18-35 reveal parental frustration.

"There are a lot of things they didn't anticipate, given the level of investment they put into them when they were younger. They're having to delay their own plans for the empty nest or for retirement to keep working to help kids who are going to school longer. They don't want the kids to amass these large student loans," she says.

But Adams says there may be a hidden agenda in parents' willingness to sacrifice for their kids.

"In a way, one of our dirty little secrets is that we think if we take care of them as long as they need it, they'll take care of us," she says.

Some say young people may be caught in a vicious cycle, created by economics and fueled by parents. Having options is something they expect, says Richard Sweeney of the New Jersey Institute of Technology, who conducts young adult focus groups for colleges and corporations. "The bigger the choice, the more likely they are to postpone," he says. "They don't want to make a bad choice."

Having too many options - and the "anything is possible" mantra boomers inculcated in their children - may have backfired for some young adults, says Barry Schwartz, a psychology professor at Swarthmore College and author of "The Paradox of Choice.

"I think this is a major problem - this inability of people to pull the trigger because they're worried there might be something better around the corner," Schwartz says.

"People didn't used to expect the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. People were hoping for a good-enough life. But people of means have urged our kids that good enough isn't good enough. There is a right thing to do; you just have to figure out what that is."

A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING