What's proper communication between a husband and ex-wife? How about a slew of e-cards, and years worth of e-mail?

We heard from a disgruntled wife who discovered this kind of e-cache and confronted her hubby. In response, he got angry and claimed he stays in touch with the ex because he's thankful — for all that she does for his mother. (They have no children.)

All of his e-cards refer to how "special" she is. And e-mails from her thank him for gifts.

In one e-mail the wife discovered, he stated, "You look just like the day I met you, but I am prejudiced."

The wife says she feels used, lied to and cheated on.

We think there is an entire orchard of red flags in this front yard.

Sending e-mails that say things such as, "You look just like the day I met you, but I am prejudiced" is definitely questionable behavior in our book — and it is in his book, too, or else he wouldn't have had a secret file on his desktop.

From our standpoint, intimate communication is inappropriate once you remarry. And considering the source, we regard comments such as the one quoted intimate in nature.

Statements like this should be reserved for a current partner — not a former spouse.

Secretly writing and giving presents when married? That's dishonest, and certainly not what good relationships are based on.

If it's necessary to keep in contact with an ex, for whatever reason, then a spouse should do it with a partner's full knowledge. If one goes behind the other's back, that's the indicator that the motivation is questionable.

That's when the red flags start waving like crazy.

The problem as we see it is not that hubby secretly sends his ex e-cards. It's that he wants to continue communication with her on that level. Since they have no children, and that's what usually prompts communication between exes, we think he's using his mother as an excuse to stay in contact.

It's time to start asking some serious questions, such as "How are we going to make this relationship work — and do we even want to?"

If the answer is "yes," it's probably time to get to a good marriage counselor.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonus families.com).