Don't let your child quit without a reason
By Tom Kuyper
Gannett News Service
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From the mailbag:
Question: Tom, I have a 12-year-old daughter who plays soccer and golf. She has played club soccer for the past four years. She is a very good student, a very good teammate, and never misses practice.
This past weekend, she and three of her teammates saw little or no playing time at a state U-13 soccer tournament. It left my daughter hurt and embarrassed, and she wishes not to attend camps or practice.
I questioned the coach and his response was: "I'm the head coach and it's my decision who plays when and where." Is this a reasonable practice? Should I encourage her to keep trying or move by it? We're left confused about this and wanted some opinions.
Answer: First of all, I will assume that you brought your concerns to the coach in a respectful and honoring manner. Remember, he is the coach and he has the authority and responsibility to make decisions for the team and its participants.
There is nothing more threatening to a volunteer youth coach than to feel like he is being attacked by an out-of-control, unreasonable and all-knowing parent. Many times, a coach who is put on defense reacts to the accusation in a self-protective manner rather than being able to discuss the subject objectively.
So, we will move on with the assumption that you were kind and professional.
Let me say that it is common for coaches to coach a postseason tournament or a championship game in a different style and with different strategies than in the normal, regular-season games. Substitution patterns are adjusted as a more competitive style of play occurs. This change of playing time for many can be a reality check.
Many kids do become discouraged enough to quit and move on. The fact that your daughter was hurt and embarrassed is actually a good sign. She does have that competitive spirit and feels like she should have been a crucial part of the team in that tournament.
Does it warrant "moving on?" Hang on to those cleats a little longer. This choice may be a little premature. Here is your to-do list:
Remember, the majority of high school athletes do not get college scholarships, so I encourage playing lots of sports and having fun with them. Develop relationships, learn different disciplines, become a well-rounded athlete. Play an assortment of sports for a wide range of fun.
Let this time be a positive learning experience. As the parents, you need to be encouraging in this process. Hard situations with mature and wise guidance is incredibly valuable. Use these times to develop maturity and life skills. The difficult times can be used to make a positive impact on our kids. It's not easy, and no parents want to see their children in the middle of it, but it is so worthwhile as our kids grow up.
I hope you saw the red flag, as I did, in your coach's response to your question. It sounds like his reaction was immature and unprofessional. Let this be the first sign as you make your checklist of what to do.
If you have questions or comments for Tom Kuyper, e-mail him at Tomkuyper@athletesintraining.com.
