As soon as my son could hold a crayon without trying to eat it, he started "helping" me write thank-you notes. Sure, the "help" at first was mostly scribbling, which I'd then interpret in grownup writing as his heartfelt thanks for the book/pajamas/teddy bear.

Now that he's 5, he's becoming an old pro at the art of the thank-you — so much so that when he received some early Christmas presents last week from relatives visiting for Thanksgiving, he immediately informed me that we had better sit down and write our thank-yous.

Which, with the holidays just behind us, is good advice for all of us, not just the youngest members of the family. But how do you get the kids to cooperate, whether they're 5 or 15? Some letter-writing and etiquette experts help us out:

In the age of the text message and the e-mail, why does a written thank-you still matter?

"It is just such a great teaching tool," says Amy Wike, a South Carolina mom of two and co-owner of children's stationery company Amy Adele, which sells hundreds of styles at www.amyadele.com. "With my own children, I've tried to convey that whoever gave them the gift has gone to a lot of time and effort to pick it out, and this is one small way that you can thank them."

Etiquette expert Cindy Post Senning, co-author of the newly released "Emily's Magic Words: Please, Thank You and More" (Collins; $15.99), a guide for preschoolers, adds that teaching your child to be gracious is a gift in itself: "It's really teaching your child social skills, and those last a lifetime. When they go to their college interview and they know to write a good thank-you note afterward, it's going to help them get that slot."

When do children need to get involved?

As soon as they're old enough to understand what a present is — at age 2 or, at the latest, 3.

At that age, you will write it yourself, paraphrasing whatever specific words of thanks you can coax out of the child, Senning says. ("Like truck!" becomes "Mary loved the dump truck, especially the big wheels.") Then get them to draw a picture on the note, or take a photo of the child wearing or playing with the present and tuck that into the card, she suggests.

When can they do more of it themselves?

By age 4 or 5, most children can add their name to a note you write. When they start learning to spell, let them write two to three sentences, complete with misspellings; you can add a note explaining exactly what they said. (Grandparents especially will find this utterly charming, Senning says.)

By age 7 or 8, children should be able to write a short, sweet note on their own. (Two or three sentences is still plenty.) Still, it helps if you do it together; it's more fun, plus you're setting a good example, Senning says.

How do you make it more fun?

Let kids pick out stationery that express their personality and that they'll be excited about using, Wike says — something with a soccer or princess motif, or in their favorite color. Senning suggests making a thank-you kit, complete with cards, postage stamps, fun markers or crayons, stickers, glitter and often-used addresses, all kept in the same place so it's easy to use.

What if they refuse to help?

Younger children will probably happily write cards as long as you make it a family project. But by the time they're in middle school, you may find yourself nagging them. Some parents resort to consequences, telling kids they can't wear or use the gift, or spend the money, until they've written the letter. But Senning warns you should be careful about relying on this tactic: "What we don't want to convey is that writing cards is a pain in the neck, or a punishment." Instead, try praise and encouragement: "Remember how special you feel when you get a handwritten letter in the mail?"

What about e-mailed thank-yous?

Well, they're better than nothing, says Senning. And e-mail can be a great way for kids and teens to stay in touch with long-distance relatives. But if you decide an e-mail thanks is sufficient, make sure that the intended recipient, especially grandparents or older relatives, actually uses his or her e-mail account frequently and will open the correspondence.

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