NewBeauty magazine has an answer to the age-old question on every woman's lips.

The question is: Honey, how do I look?

And the answer is: You look terrific, honey. But you'd look even more terrific if you got a facelift, a neck lift, a gum lift, a thread lift, an arm lift, a breast lift, a body lift, liposuction, lipo-sculpture, liposelection, Botox injections, collagen injections, nasolabial injections, fat injections, a tummy tuck, eyelash extensions, a snap-on smile and twice-daily injections of human growth hormone.

NewBeauty is a fat, glossy women's magazine that touts the kind of unnatural beauty that can be achieved by cosmetic surgery, cosmetic dentistry and cosmetics that cost $525 because they contain — believe it or not — caviar.

NewBeauty (there's no space between the words) bills itself as "the world's most unique beauty magazine." And it sure is a lot more unique than those stodgy old beauty magazines that never extol the glories of a "complete mouth makeover" or publish the phrase "Think of your breast as an envelope."

Founded in 2005 in Boca Raton, Fla., NewBeauty by something called Sandow Media is a not-quite-quarterly magazine — two issues last year, two so far this year — that publishes nine regional editions, each touting local cosmetic surgeons and each selling for the low, low price of only $9.95!!

The latest issue contains mini-profiles of the magazine's illustrious 16-member editorial advisory board, which is composed of plastic surgeons and cosmetic dentists, plus a "corrective makeup specialist" and a hairdresser who is "known for his innovative approach to hair, a method that requires clients to stand for a portion of the haircut in order to ensure a hairstyle that is totally proportionate to the individual's overall appearance."

It's a super-impressive advisory board, which is why I was so bummed out when I glanced at the bottom of the page and saw this sentence: "The editorial advisory board does not endorse or verify the claims of any product that appears in NewBeauty."

Oh, no! That means the advisory board can't verify that eating an $8 bar of Borba Clarifying Chocolate actually prevents zits. Or that scarfing a $25 bag of Borba Acai Skin Treatment Gummi Boosters can help you "snack your way to healthier, younger-looking skin."

NewBeauty is jam-packed with "articles" on nifty products made with amazing ingredients. For instance, there's "SeaCreation Cream," which contains "pearl protein" and "Babor Thermophilus," a micro-organism that lives in volcanic reefs 7,500 feet below the surface of the Pacific — which makes this stuff a steal at only $400 a jar.

Even better is "Estee Lauder Re-Nutriv Re-Creation Creme," which not only contains "unique sea algae" and "74 trace minerals" from the island of Okinawa but also has special super-duper "deep sea water from 2,000 feet below the surface around the islands of Hawai'i." Water like that doesn't come cheap, which is why this "excellent product" costs $900 a jar.

But sometimes turning your face into a pin cushion just isn't enough. You need to hire a doctor who can surgically remove your ugly parts. Everybody knows about nose jobs and facelifts, but NewBeauty enlightens us on the more obscure varieties of cosmetic surgery.

Let's say you have fat arms that droop, giving you what NewBeauty calls "the bat-wing-like appearance." You can hide them by wearing long sleeves. Or you can pay $3,000 to $10,000 for armlift surgery that removes the fat and tightens the skin and makes your arms look fabulous, except for the scars that run from your armpits to your elbows. But that's no problem — you can hide the scars by wearing long sleeves.

NewBeauty is packed with this kind of information. In fact, it's packed so full that sometimes the editors have to squeeze stuff in by printing it in tiny type.

Turn to Page 22, for instance. At the top of the page is the masthead, where NewBeauty lists all the folks who work for the magazine. But way down at the bottom there is a whole bunch of words printed in letters only slightly larger than a paramecium.

Well, of course, I didn't want to miss any of NewBeauty's wisdom, so I got out my magnifying glass and read it. It said this: "The publisher has neither investigated nor endorsed the individual doctors, companies and/or products ... that advertise within the publication or are mentioned editorially." And this: "It is not possible to ensure that all information provided within this magazine is entirely accurate." And this: "You expressly agree that your use of the information in NewBeauty is at your sole risk." And this: "Photographs of any model in NewBeauty in no way suggest that the subject has undergone any cosmetic enhancement procedure."

Very interesting! I wonder why they printed it in such small type. You don't think they're trying to hide it from the readers, do you?