As you read this, I still haven't bought a single Christmas present.

I've got six days to populate the area under my tree with gifts for family and friends, but have yet to find a parking spot at any retail establishment on the island.

By no means should my procrastination be interpreted as a lack of love for those closest to me.

Let's be honest: I'm a man, and men do not rush to malls, ever, especially not during the most wonderful time of the year.

We can watch sports until our legs atrophy and party with our friends till dawn, but confront a man with the prospect of eight hours in a mall and watch him wilt.

"Shop on the Internet then," my sister said.

I started to but got stuck on eBay, bidding on autographed baseball cards and vintage Pearl Jam T-shirts.

The shopping experience at Christmas alienates males. The innate instinct to provide during the holidays collides with the gender-wide understanding that shopping is a female pastime.

I have watched my mom, my grandma and my girlfriend spend hours in a mall, going from store to store only to walk out six hours later with a pair of socks and a blouse. By contrast, men have a streamlined shopping system: Need item, go to store, buy item, exit mall. Simple, headache-free and impossible this time of year.

For starters, you are thrust into a teeming mass of slow-moving people punctuated by the screams of children searching for Santa.

Men must also figure out what in the heck the people in our lives want.

Last year, I miscalculated terribly. I didn't expect all three of my girlfriend's aunts to buy me gifts. They did, and I stood there saying thank you and looking like an empty-handed schmuck.

I thought my mom wanted books, my girlfriend jewelry, and my grandfather a Pinoy-Pride T-shirt. Wrong; wrong; and I'm not sure at 92 my grandfather wants to wear anything he hasn't already had for five decades.

This year, there was supposed to be planning, research, a Christmas fund, and trips to malls and online sites.

None of that has materialized.

But this fourth-and-10 approach to Christmas shopping is apparently a Boylan family tradition.

I remember the old man disappearing for hours on Dec. 23 or Dec. 24 when I was a kid.

One year, I found a credit card receipt with books he bought me indicating he had gone to Borders at 9:45 p.m the night before Christmas.

So I'm not worried.

After Monday Night Football, I'm going to the mall.

Reach Peter Boylan at pboylan@honoluluadvertiser.com.