Q: Our 5-year-old daughter and our next-door neighbors' 3-year-old daughter play together a good amount of time. The problem is that their child has not been taught to share and will pinch, bite, slap and kick our daughter if she tries to play with one of her toys. In fact, if our daughter takes one of her own toys outside, and the 3-year-old gets hold of one of them, it's the same story. Sometimes, my daughter ends up crying because she's so frustrated. Meanwhile, even if the child's parents see what's going on, they do nothing. They seem to think it's cute and have told me she'll outgrow it. Up to this point, I've told our daughter to let the child have her way, but it's getting out of control. Should I tell her to be just as aggressive in return?

A: The first thing that comes to my mind is the old adage, "two wrongs do not make a right." No, I would not teach your daughter that it is right to strike back at a younger child. She has every right to protect herself from this child's assaults, but hitting back is not the ethical thing to do in this situation.

Unfortunately, the behavior in question may not get better any time soon and may well worsen, especially given parents who excuse their disciplinary laziness by invoking the popular but largely mistaken notion that their daughter will "outgrow" her antisocial tendencies. Toddler behaviors — tantrums, aggression, defiance, selfishness — should be pretty much under control by a child's third birthday. The longer parents allow them free rein, the more strength and persistence they acquire. Children outgrow things like fear of the dark, shyness and clumsiness. They do not simply outgrow being mean and narcissistic.

In days gone by, before American parents swallowed the bogus notion that a child who did not show clear signs of emerging from toddlerhood by age 3 was afflicted with a neurological disorder, this child would have been called an undisciplined brat. As you've already witnessed, brats are prone to heaping abuse upon other children. You've also witnessed that a kind-hearted 5-year-old may be no match for a mean, narcissistic 3-year-old brat. Playing with this child has got to be more stressful than fun for your daughter. The logical solution is to suspend the relationship indefinitely.

"But John," you might say, "that would possibly cause a major rift between ourselves and our neighbors!"

Well, there's a price to pay for everything, a downside to every solution.

As such, you need to weigh whether it is better that your daughter continue to pay the price of your inaction, or better that you pay the price for action you take to protect her. Besides, you can do this in a way that minimizes the possibility of a rift.

Simply tell your neighbors that the "age chemistry" between the two girls doesn't seem to be working very well at the moment, and you've decided to suspend the relationship for a year or so until the girls are better able to get along.

You can add that perhaps a prolonged period of absence from one another will "make their hearts grow fonder." By avoiding the impression that the problem is their daughter's behavior, you leave the door open for a future "reconciliation."

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.