Posted on: Friday, December 9, 2005
Who is the motleyest?
By Derek Paiva
Advertiser Entertainment Writer
Motley Crue's near-sellout concert at the Blaisdell Arena Wednesday arrives midway through the band's two-year "Carnival of Sins" reunion tour. The original lineup's first road trip since a 1999 Vince Neil/Tommy Lee airport fist war all but derailed the quartet for good, the mostly sold-out, hit-focused arena tour has proved surprisingly cash-rich for the '80s hair-metal superstars.
Depending on which rumor mill you believe, Neil and Lee still can't stand each other or are knocking back cabernet from Neil's boutique winery backstage each night like old golf buddies. In either case, hardly motley behavior.
So, denied multiple interview requests to ask members about the same, we decided to scan the admittedly sleazy, hedonistic, law-breaking band's quarter-century history for individual moments of motley and unmotley behavior.
Much of the dirt we dug up came from the Crue's mega-entertaining, mega-candid, relentlessly adults-only 2002 autobiography "The Dirt" (Regan Books, $15.95). The New York Times best-seller details the Crue's journey from teenage miscreants to dirt-poor Sunset Strip rockers to multimillionaire pop-metal superstars to venom-filled antagonists all but playing nice onstage for the cash.
We thought it fair to start off each Crue member with 25 motley points for still being alive, given the band's history, and for making it into the band at all. (After all, could you imagine a globe-trotting do-gooder like Bono making the cut?) Then we added and subtracted motley points based on random acts of kindness, debauchery, embarrassment or just plain stupidity.
For our purposes, being motley is hardly a measure of coolness. We're going by Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary's 10th-edition definition of "motley": either "a mixture especially of incongruous elements" or "jesters (or) fools." Both meanings are apt when it comes to Motley Crue.
So who did we determine to be the motleyest member of the Crue? Read on if you're not squeamish.
MICK MARS
Job: Guitarist
Born: Bob Alan Deal in Terre Haute, Ind.
Age: 50
Watches "Nova" on PBS. -6
Has never cheated on wives or girlfriends. -15
Has seen them all cheat on him. -20
Once regularly downed six vodka shots, a full glass of vodka and a jar of Mars-ade (tequila, orange juice, grenadine) during shows. +15
Theorizes the Ebola virus killed the dinosaurs. -8
Has had hip-replacement surgery. -9
Despite suffering from the constantly painful joint-fusing bone disease ankylosing spondylitis, has held Motley Crue's lead guitarist spot since co-founding the band. +45
TOTAL MOTLEY POINTS: 27
TOMMY LEE
Job: Drummer
Born: Tommy Lee Bass in Athens, Greece
Age: 43
Took ballet and tap as a child ... -8
... so he could hold girls. +15
Admits to constant adulthood fear and insecurity as a result of childhood experiences. -9
Slept with an unattractive studio engineer to get extra studio time to record a demo. +15
Drove self to hospital with butter knife sticking out of his shoulder after being stabbed by his jealous first wife. +25
Swallowed lightbulbs whole, for kicks, with Nikki Sixx. +13
Proudly showed band members Polaroids of himself and then-wife Heather Locklear having sex. +14
Jumped a moving train with Nikki Sixx at a Texas tour stop. +15
Went to an REO Speedwagon concert with his accountant. -20
Mistook Heather Locklear for Heather Thomas while trying to score a date with the former over the phone. -10
Admits use of Drakkar Noir. -7
Admits missing ex-girlfriend Bobbie Brown after she had him arrested for allegedly strangling her. -9
Marries Pamela Anderson four days after first date. +30
Cried while witnessing the birth of his and Anderson's son. -5
Built replica of a Starbucks cafe in his house for Anderson. -9
Wrote really bad poetry and mushy letters to Anderson while serving four months in jail for spouse abuse. -11
Stolen sex tape of Lee with Anderson makes more than $40 million ... for others. -12
"Tommyland," Lee's 2003 autobiography, dishes more Lee dirt than "The Dirt," offers sex tips and features ongoing dialogues with his privates. +15
Agreed to attend classes at the University of Nebraska earlier this year for NBC reality series "Tommy Lee Goes To College." -5
Favorite subject: horticulture. -8
Burned by on-stage pyrotechnics while drumming in October; played live days later. +18
TOTAL MOTLEY POINTS: 72
VINCE NEIL
Job: Lead vocalist
Born: Vincent Neil Wharton in Los Angeles.
Age: 44
Grew up in the gang-infested neighborhoods of Inglewood, Watts and Compton. +10
Sliced from ear to ear as a child by gang members who stole his ice-cream money —and lived. +20
Bit Eddie Van Halen's guitar-playing hand for no reason. +16
Would regularly have sex with four or five groupies a night. +15
Had sex with a visiting groupie while in jail. +20
Installed a mud pit near his pool for female wrestling. +7
Almost killed by yakuza gangsters. +30
Knocked out Guns N Roses guitarist Izzy Stradlin for hitting his wife. +12
Went off the wagon with Day-Glo alcohol shooters served in test tubes at a Honolulu strip club. -18
Admits to having a midlife crisis. -15
Lost porn star girlfriend Savannah to Pauly Shore while in rehab. -25
Moved in with Rob Lowe after meeting at a sobriety meeting, began six-month groupie binge with him. +15
Regularly rented out his home for porn video and Penthouse photo shoots. +12
Web video exists of him having sex with porn stars. +11
Received liposuction and a new plastic-surgery-enhanced face courtesy of VH-1 on the reality series "Remaking: Vince Neil." -30
Allowed M.C. Hammer to officiate marriage to fourth wife earlier this year. -15
Drops F-bomb on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" in 2004, getting the band banned from NBC. +5
Admits love of golfing; bought a winery now dubbed Vince Vineyards. -12
TOTAL MOTLEY POINTS: 83
NIKKI SIXX
Job: Bassist
Born: Franklin Carlton Serafino Ferrana in Seattle.
Age: 47
Allowed bandmates to douse him with lighter fluid and set him on fire before shows. +12
As a teenager, cut a four-inch, bone-deep gash in his arm, called the police and said his mother attacked him. +20
As a kid, listened to The Chipmunks all the time. -10
First record bought: Harry Nilsson's "Nilsson Schmilsson." -10
Shoplifted his first guitar. +10
Accused of stealing money from the till at a part-time job, beat up his one-armed manager. +12
Hammered a nail through the earlobe of an obnoxious punk rocker. +20
Tried to have sex with Tommy Lee's mother, but failed. +16
Bit Eddie Van Halen on the stomach for no reason. +10
Swallowed light bulbs whole for kicks with Tommy Lee. +13
Lectured an on-the-wagon Neil about drinking while nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels and stowing a syringe in his boot. +9
Cried when Neil received a lighter-than-expected sentence after pleading guilty to vehicular manslaughter. -14
Urinated on Rick Neilsen's jacket while the Cheap Trick guitarist was still wearing it. +9
Was once regularly using up to $1,000 worth of drugs a day. +17
Jumped a moving train with Tommy Lee at a Texas tour stop. +15
Shot up heroin and nodded off at Lee's wedding to Heather Locklear, where he was best man. +12
Drove through Hollywood neighborhoods with personal assistant throwing bricks through windows. +8
Chose freebase pipe as the only thing to run out of his house with during a Los Angeles earthquake. +13
Mistakenly threw up on antique beaver-fur top hat bought for Guns N Roses guitarist Slash; gave it to him anyway. +9
Aerosmith lead singer and former notorious drug slave Steven Tyler intervened on his drug abuse. +12
Was actually dead for several minutes and revived with an adrenaline shot to the heart after a heroin overdose. +35
Started smoking pot at age 7. +9
Dated a Playboy centerfold and realized he'd once had sex with her mother. +17
Now married for the last eight years, completely finished with groupies, off drugs and a practicing member of Alcoholics Anonymous. -35
Still smokes. +8
TOTAL MOTLEY POINTS: 242
FINAL VERDICT
Though currently lean, clean and well-behaved, Nikki Sixx is by far the motleyest member of Motley Crue with 242 motley points!! Who else needs a shower?
Reach Derek Paiva at dpaiva@honoluluadvertiser.com.
