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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, April 25, 2010

We're men, not peacocks

By Charles Memminger

I've received disturbing word of a new trend called "peacocking," which supposedly is a hip way for single men to pick up "city women." I'm not even sure what a "city woman" is. What springs to mind are the kind of women Jethro Bodine would pursue in the "Beverly Hillbillies." The way Jethro picked up "city women" was to throw them over his shoulder and tote them home to Granny.

"Peacocking" and let me state here that I'm emphatically against using the word "peacock" as a verb apparently refers to getting guys all gussied up in high fashion with the goal of dazzling the aforementioned "city women." I suspect this new social "phenomenon" is brought to us by the same people who tried to turn men into "metrosexuals."

Why fashion tsars always push what I call the "girlization" of men, I don't know. Male peacocks catch the female's eye by fanning out their garish display of 3-foot-long feathers with eyeballs on the end. That might work with birds, but not with humans. For human heterosexual males, there's a major difference between looking attractive and looking "fabulous"! (i.e. Hugh Jackman vs. Liberace).

I received a press release with suggestions on various accessories men might use when peacocking:

• Guitar belt buckle/beer bottle opener. "Not so good at conversation? Ask her if she wants you to open her beer with your belt."

• Giant red, white and blue wristwatch. "The notice-me watch that says you are always available for someone looking for the time."

• A mirdle, which, I sadly have to report, refers to "man girdle." "Look seven pounds slimmer and explain to girls that you are comfortable with who you are."

• Fix My Roots Hair Mascara. "Show your softer side ... Paint it on before you hit the town and be amazed at how you can secretly seduce!"

With all due respect, I don't think using those accoutrements is peacocking;. I think it's more like "Ricky Martin-ing."

I don't know where to start. Man girdle? Sure, you can explain away the mirdle but what about the bra and stiletto heels? Even "city women" have their limits. I've looked at some mirdles online and I'm pretty sure that if I stuffed my body into one, my head would blow up like a kewpie doll.

As far as the giant, colorful watch ... does it come with Elton John pink puff giant sunglasses? What, no tiara?

And while men wearing mascara might work with chicks in New York City and L.A., you show up in Kalihi with dazzling eyes and a man girdle and the only thing you'll pick up is a "city thumping."

I've never been accused of being suave and debonair, but even I wouldn't ask a lady if she wanted me to open her beer with my belt buckle. That's just creepy. I opened a girl's beer with my teeth once. Does that count as peacocking?