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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Thursday, October 9, 2008

RISE OF INTERNET MAKES IT TOO EASY TO KNOW TOO MUCH
The TMI phenomenon

By Angie Fenton
Gannett News Service

Hawaii news photo - The Honolulu Advertiser

Photo illustration by MATT STONE | Gannett News Se

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Angelo Edwards walked into work early one morning and said hello as he made his way through the building.

The greetings were casual, explains Edwards, a production assistant for WDRB-TV in Louisville, Ky. The type you'd give to "those co-workers (with whom) you just kind of have a hi/bye relationship."

At least that's what he thought they were.

"How are you doing?" Edwards asked a male co-worker he barely knew.

"He said, 'Aw, great, considering my wife is sleeping around on me with my best friend,' " Edwards recalls.

First came the moment of awkward silence.

Then Edwards, 38, sputtered a response at the obvious overshare of information. "I was just like, 'OK. I didn't need to know that.' All I could get out was, 'Man, I'm sorry.' And then I ran out of the room."

Forget the days of small talk and innocent exchanges.

We're knee-deep in a societal trend of sharing too much information, or TMI.

And it's not likely to go away anytime soon.

PUBLIC DISCLOSURE

"People used to have a locked diary, and now they post it on the Web for everyone to see," says Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University. "So you not only have oversharing online, but it's possible it might have lowered the bar in personal conversations as well."

The current obsession with the lives of celebrities hasn't helped either, says Twenge, author of "Generation Me" (Free Press, 2007), a book about why teens and 20-somethings are more confident, entitled and miserable than ever before.

You only need to flip on the television, turn on the radio or jump online to find out about the daily happenings of your favorite stars, or anyone, for that matter. Thanks to reality TV and blogging — not to mention MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and other social networks that allow people to update their every move in mere moments — you can track the everyday occurrences in the lives of average people, too, or be tracked, if that's your preference.

This is evidence of an increase in individualism, which has led to a rise in narcissism, says Twenge. People assume that others will be interested in what they have to say because "It's about me." As the desire to divulge intensifies, the need for social approval has decreased.

"If you just think about yourself, then you're probably not putting yourself in someone else's shoes, which makes it that much more likely that you're going to blurt out something that will make someone else uncomfortable," Twenge says.

"If you're on the receiving end, if it's a co-worker who needs your support, taking five minutes to listen — why not?" Twenge says.

But if you're the one who's guilty of "oversharing," beware.

Divulging information is "a good thing when done right," Twenge says.

It becomes TMI, however, when the self-disclosure is done in inappropriate situations.

'WANTING TO BELONG'

The desire to associate with others is really what the TMI phenomenon is about, says Bernie Carducci, a psychology professor at Indiana University Southeast, where he's also director of the Shyness Research Institute.

"It all goes back to this notion of wanting to belong, this fundamental condition of human nature, this tendency to affiliate," he says.

That's a need Michelle Richardson keeps trying to fill since she lost her father.

"I'm like a fountain. … I find something new every day that's painful. And it does help to talk to people," she says.

Richardson, 28, went to a bar recently and chatted with someone she'd just met.

"Next thing I know I said, 'Well, my dad just died.' It just came out. (The other person) didn't seem very taken aback by that. They were very sympathetic."

Richardson says she appreciated the kindness and would have offered up the same in return.

Richardson does have limitations in what she'll discuss.

"There are certain subjects that I don't touch: sexual escapades, anything really bitter or slamming someone else. That's just kind of 'verbal vomit,' " she says. "I'd rather not know that stuff."

Richardson also appreciates when people follow the rule of reciprocity.

The goal, says Carducci, is to "disclose equal levels of intimacy" and take your time doing it.

"When it moves too quickly for everybody involved, that's when it can be problematic," he says. "People try to create instant intimacy."

"We are in a 'crisis of connectiveness.' … The solution is called 'social interest,' " Carducci says. "(This) involves becoming more involved in the lives of others, being involved as a host to humanity."

Volunteer at the local food bank, raise money and run a 5K for charity, help out at the animal shelter, adopt a grandparent at an area nursing home, mentor a child — just do something, he says.

"Get outside yourself. Connect with people through kindness rather than through 'identity intensity,' " Carducci says. "The solution is in the heart. It's a real simple solution."