Parenting means sometimes having to walk a fine line. We want our children to live using the values we teach them, but one of our main jobs is to teach them to think for themselves so they can grow into independent beings. Our objective is for them to learn to make good decisions when we are not around to decide for them.

We have a few precious years to guide our children, years in which we control their every move as well as their environment. As they get older, they start to examine what we teach them as well as what they observe in others. Then they take these sometimes divergent points of view to come up with their own values.

Learning how to think for oneself is a skill and habit we can teach our children, often by modeling what we'd like them to do:

Do what I say, not what I do — or not: Too often parents tell their children to behave one way while participating in punishable behavior themselves. For instance, Mom and Dad say that stealing is not OK. However, both regularly helps themselves to the supply closet at work. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

Make room for preferences and temperament: It's almost cliche to think of the football star's child who refuses to play sports, or the math teacher's child preferring literature. No matter how much we may hope (or push) otherwise, our child's own temperament will always come through. Expose your children to as many healthy choices and experiences as possible, but let them lead you to their preferences. No matter how you maneuver and manipulate, you can't put a round peg into a square hole.

Explain: Teach your child every value, attitude and preference you have. This is not only your right as a parent, but also your duty. Keep in mind that explaining your reasoning will help lock your preferences into your child's value system. It also demonstrates to your child how the reasoning process works.

Ask, question, check in: There are rules, which need to be followed; there are facts, which require no further discussion; and then there are opinions. When offering your children an opinion, check to see how they feel about it. For instance, does your little one believe that green is a better choice for the background of a picture she's drawing, or does she think another color will work better? As your children mature, raise the stakes by making them think through tougher questions. Let your children know they should listen to other people's opinions, but they should also be discerning. Thinking for oneself — rather than being manipulated by others — is a habit to be learned.

PARENTING TIP FROM THE TRENCHES

Helping your child to develop an "independent thinking" brain is an important self-esteem booster. It allows your child to build character, which in turn allows for pride in oneself.

Doreen Nagle is author of "But I Don't Feel Too Old To Be A Mommy" (HCI, $12.95).