To paraphrase our old cartoon pal Pogo: We have driven alongside the enemy, as he is us.

"Hawai'i drivers are something else," says 27-year-old Palolo resident Barbara Gampon. "It doesn't seem like they know what they're doing. 'Am I going here? Am I going there? What am I doing?' They seem to be lost all the time."

From turn-signal abstainers to serial intersection blockers, from cell-phone yakkers to left-lane dawdlers in need of a good stink eye, the myriad species of Hawai'i drivers seem to share one common genetic thread: the ability to tick off their fellow road-sharers.

Despite the efforts of public officials, who enacted a law last year to enforce proper crosswalk etiquette and maintain the recurrent "Click It Or Ticket" campaign, local drivers persist in their bad behaviors. It's a topic of concern that doesn't wear itself out.

DRIVER GRIEVANCES

Paul Kirk, 54, of Kaka'ako, observed a lot of bad driving during the 10 years he spent as a taxi driver. No. 1 on his list of pet driving peeves is Hawai'i's epidemic disregard for the turn signal.

"I'd say 50 percent of people don't bother to use it," he says. "How difficult is it to lift that lever up and down?"

For Kirk, other drivers' unwillingness to signal their intentions means that he has to be extra aware.

"Everybody ought to automatically assume that the other guy will make the mistake," he says. "That way, you'll be ready for the inevitable bozo move."

Gampon, an admittedly speedy driver who honed her driving skills on Germany's autobahn while in the Army, blames gridlock and traffic frustration on drivers' confusion, carelessness and plain ignorance.

Don't get her started on her specific pet peeves.

Oops, too late.

"Why is everyone in the right lane?" she says. "That's my question. There are people who drive from downtown to Kahala without changing out of the right lane. I see them!"

Things aren't any better in the left lane either, Gampon says.

"You have people who stay in that lane because they think they're safer, but they don't keep up," she says. "People like that are the ones who block all the good drivers who drive the speed limit."

The speed limit?

"Or maybe a little faster," she amends.

Michael Papish, an 85-year-old Waikiki resident, has a slightly different take.

"For some reason, younger girls drive faster than anyone I know," he says. "They seem to have lead feet. I don't know if they have heavy shoes or what. They just cut in and out. It's terrible."

Drivers using cell phones while driving are also a sore point.

"We were driving once and wondering why the traffic wasn't moving," he recalls. "When we got up to the front in the left lane, it was some gal on the ... cell phone. Some people can't talk and drive at the same time."

where's the aloha?

"People don't have the aloha that they used to," says Francisco Rapis, a 55-year-old Kane'ohe resident with 20 years of bus-driving experience.

That's evident every day as the bus driver goes about his job.

"People will just cut you off," he says. "They don't want to follow a bus, so they cut in front of you whenever they want."

Rapis tries to keep an even keel, especially in dangerous situations like being tailgated.

"They'll come so close because they want you to speed up," he says. "I just stay at the speed limit. If they want to hit a bus, that's up to them, but they'll get creamed."

Changing lanes or merging is always a challenge for bus drivers, especially in rush-hour traffic when frustrated commuters throw courtesy out the window.

"There are still a lot of good drivers who will let you in when you need to merge, but buses need that gap, and when some drivers see you they speed up to close it," Rapis says. "Sometimes, if you try to move into the space, they beep their horn and flick you the bird."

Merging can be a headache even in Rapis' off-duty driving.

Drivers who wait until the last second to flip their turn signals are bad enough, but the ones that really irk him are those who slow down as soon as they've merged into a lane. Worse still are those who are too timid or too unsure to speed up when merging from a freeway onramp — think zipper, people! — then end up slowing or stopping completely.

"That sucks," he says, laughing. "That really pisses you off,"

Amen, says Natalie Rodrigues, a 33-year-old medical assistant from Kunia.

"People don't know how to merge, or when to merge, or they try to merge as soon as they can," she says. "I see it at Middle Street every day."

US VS. THEM

Jocelyn Waipa, 22, of Papakolea, used to live in California and says she prefers Hawai'i's "local, laid-back" attitude toward driving over the more aggressive speeding and cutting she saw in Cali.

And yet, Waipa says, laid-back has its limits.

"There's a lot more road rage here," she says. "It's a local thing, I think. You're laid-back up to a certain point, then you get angry."

Jackie Toilolo, 41, of Kalihi, says she thinks it's Mainland drivers who are sometimes a bad influence.

"They come here and they drive like they're still there," she says.

Toilolo's daughter Ashley, 21, recalls driving to the University of Hawai'i-USC football game and trying to get into the lane that turned toward Aloha Stadium.

"None of (the Mainland drivers) would let me in," she says. "It was the local that finally let me in."

To the Toilolos, it's the little courtesies that, even if occasionally inefficient, make Hawai'i a better place to live and drive.

"Like when someone lets you go, you have to say, 'Thank you.' Local people take that very personally. If not," she laughs, "you gotta chase 'em down!"

Toilolo may have been joking about that, but she's all seriousness when it comes to her more-than-pet peeve: racing.

"I was on the freeway once and there were three cars next to each other going really slowly," she says. "I went to the slow lane and went ahead, and the next thing I know, they came flying past us.

Toilolo followed in hot pursuit, taking down the racers' license numbers, which she then reported to the police.

Take that, idiots!

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT

Want to perpetuate the stereotype that Hawai'i drivers don't know what they're doing? Just follow these easy steps: