The father titled his letter, "You Can't Tell a Daycare by its Cover." It told a story that has become all too familiar over the past few years. The dad in question, a single working father without relief, has no choice but to put his 3-year-old in daycare.

"For the past few years, my son has attended a local commercial daycare with seemingly impeccable credentials," Dad writes. "There's not much staff turnover, they have bright and attractive classrooms, a variety of outdoor play equipment and an emphasis on learning."

Nevertheless, his son had been a perennial problem at this center. At the end of many a day, Dad would find him in special time-out in the director's office. On other occasions, Dad had to leave work to pick his son up early because of aggressive outbursts.

Finally, at the director's suggestion and also because misbehavior was escalating at home, Dad sought help from a psychologist. That, however, didn't prevent the director from ultimately expelling the little boy. Dad then enrolled him in a church-operated center that was neither glossy nor academic.

From the very first day the little guy began attending the new center, he has been a different child. Dad writes: "Life at home has improved 100 percent, with no tantrums or time-outs, and I now have confidence that when he goes out in public, he will behave as well as he does at home. It's an incredible change, and the only possible explanation is that the old daycare's treatment of my son was the cause of the problem. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book, or a daycare center, by its cover."

Dad's right about that. Sometimes, the most "glossy" daycare centers — ironically, these are also generally the most expensive — have the youngest, most ill-trained, ill-suited staff. Often, the teachers in question lack what it takes to deal with a child who possesses a strong determination to have things his way. There's an art to dealing successfully with the "ultra-strong-willed child," and that art isn't likely to develop in the course of acquiring a two-year childcare specialist degree. It develops along with a sense of wisdom concerning children, a wisdom that comes with maturity and experience. This is why I generally recommend that when choosing a daycare center, one regard the age of the staff as one of the most important variables.

Furthermore, as this father discovered, outward appearances mean nothing, nor does an "emphasis on learning." In fact, an academic emphasis usually means the center is keeping the children seated at tables, performing rote pencil-and-paper exercises, for much of the day — a structure that substitutes for effective, creative discipline.

But Dad may be wrong that the center's handling of his son caused the problem. It's possible that his son would have brought the same oppositional, aggressive behaviors to any center. Possibly, the child and that teacher/center were a bad "fit" for one another. Whatever the case, when behavior problems develop in a daycare environment, and the problems escalate over time, it's time to find another center. Pointing the finger of blame serves no purpose.

The best daycare programs I've seen were hardly glossy. Rather, the walls often begged for new paint, the building, usually an older church, smelled ancient, many of the teachers were grandmothers, and little, if any, emphasis was placed on academic learning. The presence of "women of wisdom" in a daycare environment virtually guarantees that the younger teachers will be mentored properly, and an emphasis on developmental activity rather than academics virtually insures that the kids will be relaxed and happy.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.