Das why I wuz tinking. Tinking tinking tinking, ooooh yeahhhh. I wuz opening up my brains to diff'rent kine possibility stuffs. And finally I wen decide. It's all G. Fo' why work nine to five, wen I can jus be all rich and famous and be on VH1's "The Fabulous Life"?

See, cuz wen I grow up, I like be ... Santa Claus. Eh, no laugh. I not joking you. And I not talking about da kine picture-taking Santa Claus in da mall kine, but da fo' real deals. Da one and only Santa Claus, wit da fatso pongg pongg, da flying reindeer, da full-on sled, everyting.

Da timing is perfeck. You know why, ah? Cuz I know Santa Claus wuz around during my maddah and faddah guys' time, and I know Santa Claus wuz around like my grandma-grandpa guys' time too. So I figgah, he kinda old, brah. Gotta be pre-soon he going ma-ke, ah? So natural wen da job-opening time come, I like be ready.

Picture dis, my maddahfaddah always grumble about how dey gotta work overtime, no mo' vacation, da boss is all kine bad words I not supposed to repeat. Shhhh. Santa Claus, him, cannot get mad. Why? Cuz him, he da boss. And I no can imagine he going be working all dat hard, cuz he only gotta work one night a year. I know, I know, you tinking, das cuz Santa Claus working hard making da toys all da rest of da year. I thought about dat too, and dis wot I tink really happens.

Actually Santa Claus, brah, he just kicking back. Him, he only gotta boss around da little elf people. In my job research on top da Internet, I wen find dat da way he run 'em, das like these big United States of American companies dat hire workers in "third world" continents for make stuff in wot dey call "sweat shops." Dat means dat elfs is not really elfs. But elfs is actually in actuality peoples from poor countries. And keep in mind dis all legalize, cuz not like get any labor unions up North Pole side.

Santa Claus get 'em, brah. He living it large. Da flying reindeer part, I figgah, I can learn. If my ancient Hawaiian ancestors wen figgah out how for navigate their canoe using da stars, den I can handle one little sleigh ride. So long as get MapQuest, no problem. Only ting is, da sleigh itself need little bit more bling, ah, wotchoo tink? I can call Xzibit and have his crew trow on some chrome spinner rims and add some zebra-print interior for pimp up dat ride little bit. Oh oh oh, and cannot forget for install one PlayStation 2 for wen I gotta fly all da way to Alaska. I dunno wea Alaska is, but I know gotta be someplace far cuz dey get their own separate box on top da map just like us.

But you know, da only ting I still nevah figgah out is how Santa Claus get money for make everyting work. Cuz him, not like he charge for his toys. All free, li'dat. Das mento, ah? So dat means, no mo' kala coming in. So how he pay fo all his toy parts? I tink before time wuz legit. Cuz all da toys wuz made from wood. So could have elfs chopping down trees and stuff.

But nowdays toys is all plastic and computer chips. How he get da money for buy all dat kine? Hmmmm ... on second thought, I dunno now. His operation sound kinda shakey. Wea all his kala coming from? Unless he get one side business. But wot he going sell for his side business? Snow? Cuz das all get up dea. Ova dea not like Hawai'i. Not like all da Japanese tourists like go North Pole. Das all get, right? Snow. Unless ... unless das not really snow. Unless, maybe das all one noddah white, powdery substance. Eh, come to tink, maybe das why dey call 'em da kine "White Christmas." Ho, dat explains everyting, brah. I always couldn't figgah out how come Rudolph's nose wuz always red. Now we know. Too much snow.

Nah, nah, nah. Wot I sed? Why, wot you tink I sed? Das like wiggedy-whacked to da max. Das da kine tinkings I bettah jus keep to myself. You bettah keep it on da down low. Bumbye I da one da teacher going tink had too much snow. Go jail dat kine job, brah. O Triple C, yeah, I no like you know me.

Tomorrow wen teacher ask-es me wot I like be, I going tell her my second choice den, which is now my first choice, cuz I no like be insai Edgy Lee's documentary. And maybe I go be honest. I just go come clean and tell da truth of how I wuz tinking about jus taking it easy and running my snow empire, but den I sed nah. Eh, and maybe by saying nah, I can be one role model. I can come da future president's husband wit my "Just Say Nah" campaign. I go tink about dat one for laters, but for tomorrow, I wen make up my mind. I going tell Miss, "Wen I grow up, I like be ... one teacher. Cuz da future belongs to da keiki. And da North Pole is too cold. Plus if everyting falls apart going get way too much heat."

Lee A. Tonouchi is author of da Pidgin short-story collection "Da Word" and da essay collection "Living Pidgin: Contemplations on Pidgin Culture." He co-edits Hybolics magazine and he wen edit "Da Kine Dictionary: Da Hawai'i Community Pidgin Dictionary Projeck" from Bess Press. He going be teaching pidgin literature at Hawai'i Pacific University in da spring.